I used to not like being alone. It used to fill me with all sorts of dread. While I try to have a very positive and upbeat outlook on life, when I’m alone, it’s just dark and lonely. I can never stop thinking about all the negativity that surrounds my life. I always think of all the terrible scenarios that could happen t me with any given things. It gets to a point where I’m constantly looking for someone to hang with because it’s downright terrifying sitting in my house by myself.
It’s not as bad, however, when a crowd of people are around. At that point, I’m not full of dread, but full of suspicion. I get very nervous and anxious when I’m with a group of people and am constantly watching my back. I’ll sit there and look for all the exits in the room that I’m in and work out the fastest routes out of the room in case of a speedy exit.
However, since I’ve been on vacation, I haven’t felt that way. It has actually been quite nice to be alone. Some of these posts that I have written, including parts of this one, have been written while I was sitting alone. I’m starting to believe it may be due to the amounts of stress during everyday life. I spend too much time running the rat race that I’m never actually taking true stock of my life. I have so many distractions coming my way, that it scares me that I may never have never have enough time to do what I actually want to do with my life.
I think I might be having a true moment of actual clarity. Better not waste it…