It’s been about a month since I’ve returned back to work. Before that, I had been out for over a year and a half. During that time, things became real lean. Cut backs in my personal life along with family were the new normal. We didn’t eat out as much. A lot of our favorite snacks and general foods were coming in too few and far in between.
Then, a miracle happened. God Almighty decided that our suffering was over. I was finally employed again. And not a temporary contract job. A job with benefits. A job that would match my highest salary before I took pay cuts to get out of bad situations.
Sure, there was compromise. I’m now in an office three days a week. But capitalism has a way of beating the fight of a person. I’m now sharing the responsibility of picking up my son with my wife. With her job schedule being flexible, it allowed me to start looking for more types of work.
Coming to the office doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I’m fully aware of the risks of being in public spaces. COVID is definitely not over. It is still killing and disabling people. I will admit that I could be better about taking precautions like masking which is putting myself and others at risk. After spending nearly two years sequestered in my house, a lot of the precautions that I was taking fell by the wayside.
However, my biggest issue with returning back to work was falling back on old habits I’ve had with money. When I lost my job, I learned how to live without a lot of things. There was no eating out, DoorDash, extra snacks when I got gas. The only time I really got upset about money was when I wanted to go to a protest or something along those lines and couldn’t afford the gas or the parking.
Now that I’m two paychecks in, I feel those bad habits are coming back. If I’m honest with myself, it’s almost like someone who hasn’t seen food in weeks being paced in front of a buffet. Of course they would gorge on the food, but would they continue to do so with the knowledge that food is now plentiful? Or is this not an apt comparison to the current job market?
I didn’t believe I had the job when:
- They offered it
- I filled out the paperwork
- I reported to work on my first day
- They handed me equipment
- I got my badge
I really didn’t believe I was fully employed until I received my first paycheck.
I’ve been sitting with this feeling since then. But now, I’ve taken some time to reflect on it. While I do understand that wasting my money away isn’t a good thing to do, who’s actually dictating how I spend the money that I earned. I am making sure that household bills are being paid and my personal expenses are being taken care of. I’m trying to be a bit more proactive about how I’m spending. But I don’t think I’m being wasteful. Maybe a bit gluttonous, but not wasteful.
While I do know I need to exercise more self-control, I can’t let consumerism and capitalism dictate my happiness. It is a fine line to walk, but with enough discipline, you can live a meaningful life without interference from a system that doesn’t know, understand, or care about you and your struggle. It will always find some way to control and take advantage of you.